Case 1: The Photo List

At an upstate NY photojournalism workshop, I crossed paths with a kindred spirit – a photographer equally intrigued by misrepresented and endangered cultures. Collaborating on a project in West Africa, I shared much of what my photo mentor had taught me after years in the field. My new friend helped market our stories to the photo market. The teamwork resulted in an article in the highest-profile publication of our careers.

Amidst dusty motorcycle rides, pork over cassava meals, and the occasional flirtation with danger, our camaraderie flourished. Round 2 ensued in Haiti. Tensions were high as the trip didn’t go as planned. At one point, he was robbed in broad daylight at a festival. Shutter counts were low and fuses were short.

During a data transfer at the hotel, he showed me a file with all the contact info for the photo editors he had gathered. I copied to it to my computer. “What are you doing?” he said, in a tone suggesting had caught me transferring funds from his bank account, “Are you f***ing serious?” He berated me for the gall to do such a thing. “Sorry, I didn’t think it was a big deal,” I said, deleting the file.

That marked the last time we would speak. 

Case 2: The VC List

A couple years ago, I moved into a townhouse. In the parking lot one day, I met a precocious entrepreneur running his startup from next door (we literally shared a wall). Barely 22, he garnered the support of the Silicon Valley elite.

During a tour of his office/home, he explained he lived simply, paid himself a modest salary, and didn’t even own a car (practically unheard of in LA). In our early conversations, it came up that I, too, was in tech, but it was clear to him I didn’t yet know the inner workings.

He sent me an excel file with all the venture capital email addresses he had amassed. He explained step by step how to reach out, find anyone’s contact, make a great deck (after first dismissing mine as “absolute dogshit”), and shared his personal contacts who could be of service to me. Those I contacted seemed like they would walk through fire for him. Our nascent friendship blossomed with quiet weeknights discussing Stoicism, technology, relationships, and values.

A few years later, this friend just graced Forbes 30 under 30 with his multi-story portrait displayed on the NASDAQ LCD in New York. But more importantly, he has a sense of joy that he spreads wherever he goes.

Or People, And People

Reflecting on this and other examples of generosity I’ve encountered, I realized a fundamental law of life:

To those who give, much is given.

Sharing this insight with my neighbor friend, he asserted there are two types of people: “or” people who believe in “you or me” versus “and” people who champion “you and me”. Among the latter, he attempts to help as many people as possible, enabling everyone’s joint prosperity. 

I once attended a VC event, a cross between an Olympic-level phallus-measuring competition and a game show where you guess which of the attendees are certified sociopaths. Throughout the evening, I saw my neighbor teach more people than I could count those same tricks he had shown me. Giving was just a lifestyle for him.

Contrast this to my photography companion, who, out of an irrational fear that my triumph equated to his failure, or perhaps a misplaced sense that I should struggle to compile my own list as he did, refused to share his email list. It’s important to note, he is not a “bad” person by any means. I had many failings as a friend and was definitely presumptuous in adding the file to my computer. But his outlook, his way of interacting with the world, serve neither him nor the world. 

The Zero Sum Mindset

In the realm of zero-sum beliefs, where success seems to come at the expense of others, you cultivate a mindset of protective possessiveness. Perhaps you’ve been taken advantage of before and allowed bitterness to fester. That’s a choice - a choice to pay negativity forward.

Truth be told, you can amass wealth in this manner, but at what cost? Is being that kind of person truly worth it? When we bury our conscience, it causes earthquakes in our psyche. Exhuming it is extraordinarily painful process of making amends, seeking forgiveness from others and ourselves.

With this mindset, we swap internal peace for external comfort – a lopsided trade. What good is a Hastens Grand Vesuvius mattress ($250,000) if you can’t lie down quietly without your internal monologue needing constant distraction? The greatest luxuries are peace when you close your eyes and love when you look in the mirror.

Reflectance

As the descendants of those who survived by cooperating, we possess a natural proclivity toward communal goodwill. This explains the warm fuzzies we get when we do a random act of kindness. Conscience, at once inherent and influenced by environment, must not be ignored. Neglecting it bears severe mental consequences. There are times to compete, when it truly is a zero-sum game, but they are fewer and farther between than you might think. 

Being self-made is a myth. Our paths are shaped by forces beyond our control. We all face setbacks and lucky breaks, manipulators and benefactors. The human tendency is to perpetuate what we experience. That’s how we get generations of trauma, the heirloom of violence passed down from grandfather to father, from father to son. But the best among us can transmute anything into positivity. They look back on the path they arduously hacked away with a machete and tell others how to follow it instead of forcing them to make their own.   

We can measure the quality of someone’s character by their reflectance. That is to say, how brilliantly do they reflect the light that lands upon them? We can be in a dim room with nothing more than a candle, but reflect all that light like a mirror, or we could be in a bright room and absorb it like Vantablack paint.

Polishing the Surface

I am deeply grateful the many people who have contributed to my success (and there are many). Their infectious generosity inspires me pay it forward. Not every risk I’ve taken on people has paid off, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. Sure, the hits hurt. The betrayals inspire a hardening of the spirit, but for my own wellbeing, I work to resist that. I remember all those who helped make me who I am for no other reason than the pleasure of helping. How could I possibly close off when I keep them in mind?

Now, the correlation does of course work both ways. Once we feel our needs our met in Maslovian sense, we are more inclined to contribute to society and seek opportunities to help others. However, the opposite case, which is the concern of this post, is often overlooked. To those who give, much is given – both externally and internally.

Try being an “and” person and see what happens.